Sleep has evaded me this week. I toss and turn moving in and out of a zone that I am unaware of. I am functional to a degree but I am unable to focus. I have images of Beth, the discovery of what her ex-husband and his wife must have walked into this past Monday. I am consumed and overwhelmed - with what I don't know. Its all so scary.

Monday night I was conveying my thoughts to Paul. Explaining how distrubed I was about this whole thing and how it could have been anyone of us in the circle. How do we know? How do we keep it from happening again? Not just to someone close to home but anyone? I don't have answers just so many questions. I was telling him about a guy I dated a few years back and how unstable he was - from the drinking to the bipolar. I told him that I feared for my well being many times but I thought I could fix him at the same time. I ran away from it knowing it wasn't my job to fix him, to make him happy. It was his job and he was in denial. Being with him sent me into a funnel of oblivion though. It sent me to a low point that wasn't very much fun for anyone. I never want to live that way again. As such my reason from taking time off from the whole relationship thing to heal myself.

I am sure many of us will struggle with this whole scenario for a long time to come. We will question ourselves, our knowledge, our strengths and weaknesses. We will need to accept the fact that Beth is no longer with us even if it feels surreal.